Happy Birthday Maggie!!!

Okay so it's late but I think you are gonna love this hopefully as much as I love you baby sis!

Happy Birthday!

Ramblings of a Midnight Mind

So I don't sleep.

I swear I must have insomia or something.

I actually did sleep today. I fell asleep around 8am after I got home from work and ate. I woke up when my parents came home from DC and saw that I was asleep, and then I woke up at 12am and haven't been back to bed since.

It would be one thing if when this happened I did something productive like clean my room, or write my book. Yet at this hour I can't seem to string two thoughts together in a really meaningful way. A blog I don't really need to have epic thoughts on (I am however impressed with the title I came up with for this Blog)

So what do I do at this time of night?

I eat hahaha
I watch movies
I facebook stalk
I blog...apparently
I pray that someone will text me so I won't be so bored
I hope I can fall asleep

So here I am rambling to cyber space, and all the readers that I don't have.

I wanted to get up tomorrow morning and spend some quality time in my garage dancing. I miss dancing, all kinds of dance. So if I can drag by insomniac ass out of bed I will be spending a decent amount of time dancing before I go to work.

Then hopefully tomorrow after work I will be spending time with my sister. I haven't seen her in so long. She has been so busy with school and the boys. I can't blame her, she is a much better student than I am I wish I had half her motivation. I just want to finish my AA and then see if I want to continue school. I have so much to think about and at past 3am all my thoughts just won't stop hitting me.

God I started this post over a half an hour ago, and I am really just rambling, not saying anything at all.

So I think I am going to stop. I might post again later...maybe when I can string a thought together without rambling.

For now I leave and try to sleep...or something.

Home Again

It amazes me how I can fall off the face of the planet and still come back to my blog. This Blog is like my own personal life cockroach...not sure I like the idea of a life cockroach or if that even makes sense. Yet somehow this blog feels like home, I can wander away from it and yet it's always there still waiting for me. It's amazing that a website that I basically use to bitch on can make me feel like that and my own home, with my parents can't. I guess this is a form a writing, and writing to me no matter what form it's in, is home. It has gotten to a point where I don't know what would thrill me more, being a working actor or a published author. I really want both, and its hard to say which one I want more. I guess I just assume that one day I will get published, which is kind of a stupid assumption to make, but somehow that feels more real then acting I guess. My friends have recently been making me feel guilty because I know what I want, and even if I can't get what I want, I have a back up plan. If I can't act, or write, then I will teach because that odl quote about doing teachers is just too good to ignore hahahaha. I have also been trying to figure out who my real friends are. I find that the people who I work with in the theater are better friends to me then those people I always considered my 'real' friends. The theater people I hang out with are not fake, or don't put on an act like most people think. They accept that I am who I am, good bad and ugly. I am finally finding my home, one brick at a time.

For My Kirbles!

So this was supposed to be your christmas gift, like the ones I made for Sam and Addie, but it took longer than I expected.

I hope it was worth the wait because here it is now, your own special 'You mean more to me than I can express with pictures and music but let me try anyway' Christmas present!!!

Also facebook has banned me from uploading anymore videos which is why I had to put this up here....love you!!!

Happy Birthday Addie!!!

Here is my video for you, I hope you like it!

Happy Birthday and we'll have fun when you get home!!!

Frustration

I cannot even begin to describe how frustrated I am right now.

It seems like no matter what I do I am just frustrated in general. I can't get anything right and now the one good thing I had in my life is over. John Lennon and Me wrapped on sunday and it was hard for me to say goodbye to that show. I made some amazing friends, I had an amazing experience, I learned a lot and got some great advice from my director on how I should go about my acting life. Seeing that end is really hard for me because now I have nothing.

I wish I could say I was as excited for my role as director in All In the Timing, but I'm not. Yea it is something I would like to do, but at this point it isn't enough. I have so much to do, I am so busy, I am no time to do anything and I have so much to do.

I need to write, if I want my book to get done I need to write and I hardly have enough time for that now and it is something that runs through my veins. I need to work and I don't have time to do more work and make more money and it frustrates me so much because I NEED the money. I'm going to need to find time to direct Words Words Words for All In The Timing, and right now I don't even know when I am going to be able to rehearse with my actors and that frustrates the hell out of me.

I just can't win right now, and I don't know what to do.

Once More With Feeling....a Buffy Inspired Blog

As my facebook status says...

‎"I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it's black. Why can't I feel? My skin should crack and peel. I want the fire back. So, I will walk through the fire, Cause where else can I turn? I will walk through the fire and let it burn."

Thank you to BtVS for that quote of how I am feeling at this moment.

Things with me have gotten so bad, I feel like I have no where to turn. I had a fight with one of my best friends and now he won't text me, talk to me, he didn't even come to our class today and I think he's avoiding me. He was the first person I went to with a problem and now I can't. My other best friends have their own lives, one is still always with the best friend who won't talk to me, another has a job, and a boyfriend, and doesn't even live in MD, and my gay husband lives all the way in North Carolina. He would be sheltering me in a second if he could, but he can't.

I used to think " What can't we face If we're together? What's in this place That we can't weather? We're together There's nothing we can't face... except for bunnies"

(Another Buffy moment...can we tell I'm obsessed.)

But now I feel like I can't face anything. I want to sleep all the time, I never want to get out of bed I don't want to face my friends, or my own family. What's worse is that I feel like I can't tell anyone anything.

I'm back to feeling like I'm a burden, like everyone is too busy for me to bother with my stupid and trivial problems.

"So thank God I'll Never tell, I swear that I'll never tell, my lips are sealed, I take the fifth, nothing to see move it along....I'll never tell."

And I feel like I can't tell anyone, or anything because no one needs to be handed my problems on a plate. Clearly two of my best friends are too busy to even talk to me so what can I do. So with one last Buffy quote I will leave my non readers with one last thought...

"What a lot of fun, you guys have been real swell. And there's not a one who can say this ended well. All those secrets you've been concealing, say you're happy now, Once More With Feeling. Now I gotta run, see you all in hell."