For My Kirbles!

So this was supposed to be your christmas gift, like the ones I made for Sam and Addie, but it took longer than I expected.

I hope it was worth the wait because here it is now, your own special 'You mean more to me than I can express with pictures and music but let me try anyway' Christmas present!!!

Also facebook has banned me from uploading anymore videos which is why I had to put this up here....love you!!!

Happy Birthday Addie!!!

Here is my video for you, I hope you like it!

Happy Birthday and we'll have fun when you get home!!!

Frustration

I cannot even begin to describe how frustrated I am right now.

It seems like no matter what I do I am just frustrated in general. I can't get anything right and now the one good thing I had in my life is over. John Lennon and Me wrapped on sunday and it was hard for me to say goodbye to that show. I made some amazing friends, I had an amazing experience, I learned a lot and got some great advice from my director on how I should go about my acting life. Seeing that end is really hard for me because now I have nothing.

I wish I could say I was as excited for my role as director in All In the Timing, but I'm not. Yea it is something I would like to do, but at this point it isn't enough. I have so much to do, I am so busy, I am no time to do anything and I have so much to do.

I need to write, if I want my book to get done I need to write and I hardly have enough time for that now and it is something that runs through my veins. I need to work and I don't have time to do more work and make more money and it frustrates me so much because I NEED the money. I'm going to need to find time to direct Words Words Words for All In The Timing, and right now I don't even know when I am going to be able to rehearse with my actors and that frustrates the hell out of me.

I just can't win right now, and I don't know what to do.

Once More With Feeling....a Buffy Inspired Blog

As my facebook status says...

‎"I touch the fire and it freezes me. I look into it and it's black. Why can't I feel? My skin should crack and peel. I want the fire back. So, I will walk through the fire, Cause where else can I turn? I will walk through the fire and let it burn."

Thank you to BtVS for that quote of how I am feeling at this moment.

Things with me have gotten so bad, I feel like I have no where to turn. I had a fight with one of my best friends and now he won't text me, talk to me, he didn't even come to our class today and I think he's avoiding me. He was the first person I went to with a problem and now I can't. My other best friends have their own lives, one is still always with the best friend who won't talk to me, another has a job, and a boyfriend, and doesn't even live in MD, and my gay husband lives all the way in North Carolina. He would be sheltering me in a second if he could, but he can't.

I used to think " What can't we face If we're together? What's in this place That we can't weather? We're together There's nothing we can't face... except for bunnies"

(Another Buffy moment...can we tell I'm obsessed.)

But now I feel like I can't face anything. I want to sleep all the time, I never want to get out of bed I don't want to face my friends, or my own family. What's worse is that I feel like I can't tell anyone anything.

I'm back to feeling like I'm a burden, like everyone is too busy for me to bother with my stupid and trivial problems.

"So thank God I'll Never tell, I swear that I'll never tell, my lips are sealed, I take the fifth, nothing to see move it along....I'll never tell."

And I feel like I can't tell anyone, or anything because no one needs to be handed my problems on a plate. Clearly two of my best friends are too busy to even talk to me so what can I do. So with one last Buffy quote I will leave my non readers with one last thought...

"What a lot of fun, you guys have been real swell. And there's not a one who can say this ended well. All those secrets you've been concealing, say you're happy now, Once More With Feeling. Now I gotta run, see you all in hell."

Gravity

"Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be, but your onto me and all over me."

So someone who I thought was going to leave me alone for hopefully the rest of my life has found his way back to me. And I don't even know how to feel about it, I am so happy that he is speaking to me again but I don't want to go back through the whole song and dance of his mood swings making me dizzy. He must really think I'm stupid because he tries to talk about things that we've already talked about like we haven't talked about them. Like he wants to forget any conversation we've ever had.

It's frustrating, and annoying, and it hurts, and I hate it.

I wish I could hate him, but I can't. He has me between this rock and hard place where I can't escape him but I'll never be to him what he is to me.

I just wrote a letter to my past self warning me to not get in my car accident, and to also avoid meeting the boy I'm talking about. He has effected me so much that I wish I had never met him, so, as I said in my letter, "this huge part of your heart will remain yours, not floating around in limbo because he didn’t want it, and no one else has been able to rescue it."

I wish my past self could take that advice, but she can't. I can't go back in time to make that happen, or to warn myself, or stop this huge event in my life from happening. So I have to live my life as if it doesn't effect me, and doesn't hurt me, and just smile and try to continue to make it through as much as I possibly can.

Mac's Confuse me!!!

Now while I can admit that I have always wanted a mac desk or laptop I cannot deny that they confuse the hell out of me.

The only reason I know crap about mac's is because of my best friend Gabrielle and because I am forced to sit in front of one for 4 hours every Wednesday in my digital media culture class.

I still continue to right click even though I know it doesn't mean shit.

One of these days I will finally get the fact that the only way I can right click is to click and hold. As for copying and pasting I learned how...finally. Thank you Kyle, you have saved me from hours of going up to edit and pressing copy/cut/paste from there.

The only reason I am still on this computer, yes it's a Mac, is because my laptop is still dead....dead dead dead dead dead....it's dead! So I need a new one, because even if the old one gets fixed it is still a giant piece of shit.

So thank you Mac Lab, for giving me my daily dose of facebook, yahoo, council of elrond, owlnet, and of course my Blog, because you my readers, would die without me

......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO!!!!

Vampire's Can get Sunburn Too!!

So I had my first day of my tennis class yesterday. It felt great to be back on the court, with my blue racket, hitting the yellow balls like my life depends on it. I cannot even express how much I missed being out there and playing my favorite game.

What I didn't miss...sunburn. Somehow in the hour and a half class I got sunburnt on my face. My vampire like skin complexion attracts the sun almost as well as a solar panel. I can't believe that for a not even two hour gym class my face is now glowing like rudolph's red nose.

So now, until the weather becomes less severe, or the hole in the ozone is fixed (Fat chance) I will have to smother sun screen all over my face so that my pale white skin stays as such. I do still need to play Alice Cullen after all and a bright red face will really ruin that for me.

Oh well maybe the color of my face will encourage more people to buy lobster's when I go into work this weekend.

There you go brightside!

I Still Exist

So I am still alive, not that anyone reads this. But I do miss you Michi, I am taking tennis this semester at school so I think I might be able to smoke you soon. We should make a date to play tennis in a few weeks when it isn't quite so hot.

So I really don't have much to say since the last time I posted. My life doesn't change much from day to day.

VampCamp still exists, we are still doing video's and the Addie and Sam show is working out well so far.

School is school, I did bring my GPA up but it still needs to be improved more.

I HATE still living in my house because my mother is Satan's Mistress but I will get out eventually.

So I still exist, but my existance is pretty damn boring.

My friends mean the world to me

To all my friends in this video, I love you, and I only wish that this video could convey how much.